Being Past My Prime
I Spent the Last Six Months in a Brain Fog
I gave up my voice to empower others, all the while wondering if this was the life I was desperate to co-create for myself.
I wasn't born entrepreneurial. I became this way, not because hustling is in my DNA, but because my hyper-fixation with creating financial stability is a trauma response.
The work I've been doing with teenagers, many who have the same checkered upbringing that I did, reaffirmed my purpose for doing what I do, in the unapologetic way that I do it. The price I pay is having to co-exist with adults who reminded me why I need to embrace my inner rebel.
Someone once told me that I am here to shine a light on what doesn't work anymore.
I don't have the stomach or heart for the kind of conformity and complacency that is to be expected in the education world.
These past few weeks, I've been acquainting myself with myself. The recovering "type A" version of me was an undiagnosed ADHD struggling to keep up with the world through the lens of OCD and anxiety.
Meds help...now. They would have been a godsend back then as well.
As I watch my students making due with what they have, I try to embody the energy of "we're doing the best we can with what we have." However it's difficult to sustain an ongoing energy of "you got this" when the leaders in charge lack the conviction, desire, and competency to lead by example.
If I were 25, my recent work experiences would be marred with apathy and indifference. I'm in my late 40s and I am far too old for the bullshit that comes with weak and disgruntled leadership.
I'm driven by purpose to a level I've never been before, which is why I am so passionate about instructional design but I wish I had discovered this about myself decades ago.
This summer I am reflecting on what it means to be "past my prime."
How do I rebrand what it means to be a spinster in a world that assigns value to women who's collective purpose is derived from the functional use of their ovaries?
What of the intellect that comes with managing an overwhelmed mind?
What of the insights that comes with thriving in an unsettled life?
A word I am loving is "catalyzing" because I am mastering the art of imperfect embodiment...and I can see the curiosity of the students when I speak to them the way I speak to myself.
I've shed imposter syndrome by simply surrounding myself with people who assume positions of leadership without the capacity to do so authentically.
Your north star shouldn't be at the expense of others. It should light the way for you to lead yourself, with or without clarity. For those moments when the fog clouds your vision, instead trust your intuition. Pilots navigate off of their instrument when the skies are too blurry. You are no different.
It took me 6 months to realize that I was always captain of my own vessel.
Hopefully you can realize the same for yourself, your brand, your business, and your legacy.