It's Always Been a Reinvention
We Don't Just Change...We Evolve
I was lying in a messy bed with my oracle decks, doing a long overdue reading on the hot mess of a life I find myself in.
Between being told to be grateful and recognizing the ways I’ve allowed myself to be exploited - I realized that this musing journey wasn’t about the stuck emotions.
It is about the constant renaissance of who I need to be on any given day, making the best with what I have at that moment.
I recently started a 1st House Pluto transit and am surrendering to how I need to revolutionize myself. So much of my complaining and disenchantment has been about a life I choose to lead despite feeling miserable about it.
This is my pattern because feeling invisible in an aquarium of dirty water is how I justify my victimhood. I’m starting to understand that the “random” Medusa tattoo I was called to get wasn’t a birthday whim. It was a symbol of who I need to channel if I am going to continue existing in a world that doesn’t feel mine.
I went back and forth for years about my brand, business, and what imprint I want to leave with my legacy. My reinvention journey felt like those roundabout circles where cars yield and try not to miss their exit as they go around. It feels like I missed my window because instead of being definitive in where I wanted to go, I would perseverate over the options to the point where I chose none.
But I am starting to see things with lucidity. I’m seeing myself, the people around me, and the choices I made that felt relevant at the time. I don’t know if I am entering my villain era or menace season.
I want to exert my frustrations and call it passion. I want to put hands on someone (specific individuals) and call it karma.
I want to stop internally crying and call it healing.
There’s so many things I want to do for the sake of growth and call it adulting but my conscience won’t allow me to be impulsive or flagrant with my process. I’m in the “can’t quite leave so quickly” portion of my exit strategy and channeling my rage without an outlet is a mental clusterfuck.
When people are more invested in you sacrificing your well-being as long as they benefit from your lack of boundaries, it’s tough to unsee that as betrayal. It’s difficult to resume business as usual when your kindness gets played and when you’re no longer worthy of a friendship because there’s nothing left for you to give others.
I chose to change this newsletter and call it the “Nuance of Reinvention” because change often comes with a grieving process. We celebrate the butterfly without mourning the caterpillar. We prioritize the few days the butterfly lives to soar as if the life of the caterpillar never mattered. The reinvention journey can be as simple and as complex as we want it to be.
As I navigate this next chapter in my career, I want to honor the who I’ve had to become in order to appreciate who I am evolving into. Two conflicting things can be true at the same time. I can feel sad about quitting and feel energized about a new opportunity.
I can say thank you for the memories and still feel hurt at how little relevance they had for others.
The Nuance of Reinvention is recognizing how much you accommodate for others and also forgive yourself for thinking output was your only source of value.
Many lessons take a lifetime to learn and when you do, there’s both joy and sorrow to experience, often at the same time. I can only imagine how epic that first flight must be for the butterfly. Considering how it dies quickly afterward, I respect their desire to go in with ALL or NOTHING.