Joy Shouldn't Be a Reward
What Is Your Budget For Self-Respect?
The fear of excitement scares me. In a moment when I should be celebrating a milestone and accomplishment, I am knee deep in anxiety and sadness.
Growth is a complicated process of honoring something new while also making space to grieve what was let go. I want to be happy about this new job. I can’t get myself to that point and I know I shouldn’t force myself but I wonder if I will ever reach that authentic place of gratitude.
There has to be a catchy name for this hybrid version of imposter syndrome and survivor’s guilt. The juxtaposition of feeling like you shouldn’t win because you don’t deserve even though you know you worked your ass off for it and hate feeling like you quit something, despite how miserable it made you.
It’s almost as if the expectation of feeling bad is the norm. The wellness industrial complex would shame me for not thinking positive. I feel selfish for not wanting to compete for the gold medal in the struggle Olympics. After all, other people are less fortunate and I should be grateful for having opportunities. And I am not ungrateful.
I just want to stop feeling like joy is a luxury that I have to earn.
I want to elevate my career in a way that is meaningful to me without feeling like I need to be exploited, by myself and others.
I have a new job that values my disregard for boundaries except when it comes to serving the students. It’s almost as if people are only ok with your wellness as long as it doesn’t impact what they can extract from you. This Venus retrograde in my 3rd and 2nd houses are challenging me to assert my throat chakra muscles so I can advocate for myself but at what cost?
I know people operate from their level of growth.
Expecting someone to honor your presence when they don’t even care about themselves is unrealistic.
This applies more than just interpersonal relationships. When I hear boundaries, it reminds me of the connections we create with anyone including potential customers. How much do you devalue your worth in order to accommodate other people’s budget - whether that budget is full of money, love, or attention?
I want to celebrate this new job but my hesitation comes from knowing that wins often come at a price and I shut down when I recognize that I’ve overspent on a vision that speaks to my wounded self, craving any acknowledgement even at the expense of my spark.