Pick a Side
Straddling the Fence Can Cause Injuries
In so many ways, we are being asked to pick a side and this moment is one that isn’t lost on me.
Whether it’s the social climate or our inner demons, indecisiveness serves no one except those who rely on apathy.
This kind of message transcends the obvious because I initially wrote this with my own fears and ego in mind, however the way we live in silence within is often reflected by the realities of our external worlds.
I’ve been sitting on my thoughts for months. Afraid to speak up because my voice acknowledges a truth that I can no longer pretend ignorance about.
All I keep hearing in my mind is..."pick a fucking side."
Be yourself but not at work.
Don’t over work yourself but also try to survive when most jobs don’t pay a livable wage.
Be work place appropriate but don’t compromise your authenticity.
Don’t burden people with your drama but also don’t isolate.
Go to therapy but don’t be picky about who you work with.
You don’t need meds because you can just drink water and hug a fucking tree.
The inner chaos is a mirror for all of the external unraveling.
I am not sure if this is a season of awakening or reckoning.
The fence allows me to create distance between myself and the opposite of what I consider comfortable.
I was never one for confrontation and yet I have no problem being the bully to my wounded self.
I wonder if the lesson here is about how we are only aggressive with those who we know we will beat in a fight which speaks volumes to how I’ve been gaslighting myself these past few months.
So where does that leave me?
Past my prime with nowhere to grow.
Past my prime without a spirit to engage.
Past my prime and having little to show for the victories I self-proclaim.
I’m waiting for a lot of things. My resubmitted grad paper hasn’t been graded. I’m aggressively looking for a new job. I just launched a new website (Renaissance Pathways).
And I can’t find my infused honey.
I’m imploding while keeping up the appearances that I am ok, despite my body shutting down halfway through the day from stress, exhaustion, and old age.
But hey, this is simply the rantings of a spinster right???