Surrendering To The Life I Have
It’s OK to Quit Trying When the Cost of the Continuous Pursuit is Your Well-Being
I’m struggling to decide what my next move is going to be.
Am I quitting my job to resume the nomadic lifestyle or am I writing a book?
Will the book be a collection of essays or the fiction novel I’ve been sitting on?
What about the deck I outlined and am itching to design and print?
Am I really ditching the idea of an online course?
Oh and about that catchy business name…nevermind.
Ask me tomorrow and my answer will be different. Engage me next week and my rationale will be very lax. My free spirit essence is not for those who are reality driven. Why I attract earth sign people is beyond me. I think it might have to do with how I hide behind the veil of an endless hustle that I give the illusion of being responsible until you get to know the indecisive hot mess of my Pisces / Libra combo.
Good luck getting me to be discreet and down to earth. My mind literally lives in the clouds.
This new moon in my 2nd house of Pisces is asking me to remember my worth. I am feeling compelled to be unapologetic in my authority even when those who shrink around me feel like I am too grandiose. I used to be that person who drank the mediocrity punch, one that was spiked with imposter syndrome and guilt.
Now, as Pluto traverses through my 1st house, I am embolden to assert my audacity in a way that 25 year old me would feel both intimidated and envious.
I never wanted my growth to come at the expense of others however at some point I can’t continue to bring people on a journey they didn’t sign up to take. The last 2 years have been a season of accommodating everyone else that I burned out and resented how no one came to throw a life vest as I drowned. And now that I am back on solid ground, I want to leap with intention into a new elevated version of my life but I don’t know how.
I can only want for me. I cannot want more for you than you what you are willing to want for yourself.
I haven’t been in this self-first space for a while and it feels refreshing. Loneliness has never felt as familiar as it does now…and as someone gearing up to close out their 40s (in two-ish years) I am ready to accept my fate.
At some point, we have to reconcile with the life we choose instead of mourning the life we thought was our birthright. I know I could have had a different path and it doesn’t do me any good to blame myself for myself.
We talk so much shit about imposter syndrome and are quick to rebrand regret with something catchy for the sake of capitalizing on it’s exploitation.
I think I am done with sacrificing myself at the alter of ambition.
I think I am ready to just accept the life that’s unfolded. Having a vision is a great tool for aspiration as long as it’s not wielded as a weapon to compartmentalize your joy and healing.
I’m getting better at forgiving myself for falling short of the unrealistic expectations that don’t align with my genuine capacity.
Can I do more? Yes.
Do I want to do more? I don’t know…and having that uncertainty is just as valuable as the “yes” that somehow always seems to be under duress.
So this birthday season, I’m surrendering to the experiences I’ve created and letting go of the milestones I expected to accomplish.
It’s ok to quit trying when the cost of the continuous pursuit is your well-being.