Waiting For No One
Honoring My Growth While Also Recognizing How Far I Have Yet To Go
I spent all this time conflicted with my consciousness about whether to delve into the romantic point of no return, casting an intention with complete disregard for the karmic ties I may be unintentionally creating. I never stoped to think if I wanted the final outcome.
I rationalized with myself and let my loneliness lead the internal conversations. The “right” thing to do was subjective and contingent on how heavy my empty heart was feeling.
I pour into others so much that I’ve become the unofficial ambassador for drought season.
My sense of worth was so low that I prioritized nurturing others while neglecting my own basic needs. And for what?
For one moment of connection quickly forgotten or dismissed as nothing?
For the potential of a future where my loyalty is reciprocated equally?
Somewhere I learned that I was a burden, living on borrowed time and guilty for existing. As much as I want to say I’ve healed these wounds, scars are often left as reminders for those days you forgot what it was like to feel damaged.
I am waiting for no one, not even myself.
I must be waiting to die because I am not waiting to live. 47 years is a long time to realize that I can’t continue to anticipate a reality that may never materialize.
I can meet myself where I’m at and hope I’ve done enough of the inner work to support my inner child in her coming of age season. I can’t imagine she is proud of who I’ve become but I can hope she is at least compassionate enough to recognize how far I’ve come.
Pisces season is over and I am excited to embrace my inner warrior. I do best when I’m not idle or left to think about all the ways I’m fucking up.
Maybe now, instead of focusing on the people who don’t think twice about me, I can channel all of this mojo into a new vision for my new solar year. One where I am the North Star and everyone else just waits for me to shine my light.