Writing Through a New Filter
When Radical Honesty Needs an Edit Button
I’ve been gainfully employed for almost five months and in that time, I’ve undergone profound reassessment about how to cultivate an authentic voice within the parameters of a public persona.
As much as I want to “keep it real” there are boundaries that inhibit an unapologetic approach to storytelling. I have to remember who’s reading my content and with a presence in the NYC school system, my commitment to integrity is that much more nuanced.
Truth is, I want to be expressive but I am so fucking exhausted every single day. I wake up at 4am and am at full emotional capacity for at least 12 full hours. I’ve been recalibrating my routines to identify what works so I don’t feel like passing out when I get home. Some days are better than others but all of the days are full of physical exhaustion.
This new chaos is by design.
It’s difficult to have SI thoughts when I don’t have time to think about my issues. Entrepreneurship taught me how to lose myself in work so well that I transferred those skills into this new role where having OCD and ADHD help me thrive.
I don’t like feeling restricted but I like the peace of mind that comes with steady income.
I don’t like feeling overwhelmed but I like the sense of purpose that comes with being of service.
I don’t like not having the energy to write but I do like that I finally feel like I’m a part of this world instead of just being a spectator.
I break my own heart every day but it feels good to know I still have a heart.
Life has a funny way of changing our stripes even when we don’t know we needed to reinvent ourselves but I am looking forward to seeing how this experience reignites my drive to explore, even though it’s within a confined cage…for now.